Children have a knack for getting their way. If they don’t get their way, they scream and have a tantrum. As they get older they learn it’s not ok to scream and have tantrums so by the time they become ‘adult-type people’ the tantrum is a lot quieter…but it’s still there!
Since it is not socially acceptable to be angry… people will pretend they are not angry! …and disguise their tantrums with nice-ness.
“Anger is thwarted desire”, says my mentor Martin Sage. “When you don’t take a step or commit to step in the direction of your desire, our human, natural, response is anger.” Sometimes the anger sets in so quick…even before you know it…and all of a sudden, you realize you are having a tantrum!
Anger can be covered with ‘niceness’ but anger and kindness cannot coexist.
Tantrums are the kiss of death in business and in teams. If you are an entrepreneur, you must master the discipline of mood control or you will lose money! If you have been in sales, or if you are an entrepreneur, you know that your income is a direct reflection of your mood! Noone wants to do business with someone having a tantrum! (even if it is a silent tantrum and has a nice smile tacked on top of it!) People can feel an icky undertone if you are ‘acting nice’.
One of my coaching clients, Lori Massad, owns a wellness clinic, Total Wellness Austin (http://totalwellnessaustin.com/). Her business depends on her ability to offer a space where people can relax, release tension and feel well. She has learned by now that if she is in a bad mood, sales will go down. People will stop referring her and won’t want to re-book appointments. In order to keep the discipline to take care of her needs, keep herself inspired and go for her desire, she imagines all her clients as her babies.
If you are a parent, then your anger is magnified by 10 when it hits your kids. Even if you are doing a good job of smiling through gritted teeth, they can feel your tantrum. The old adage, “when mama is happy, everyone is happy” is true!
So if Lori is not happy, she makes sure she finds a way to make herself happy, or, to ask for what she needs so she can feel good! Only when she is in pleasure and relaxation can her business create a space for other people (her sweet babies!) to feel pleasure and relaxation.
Yesterday she sent me a message to say that she was at the office and she started to get stressed. Instead of getting upset, she just put on her running shoes and went for a run! Running changes the neurochemicals in her brain to release more ‘feel good’ hormones, it gets her out of the office until she can come back calm and happy AND it shows her team that she believes in them…which makes them feel good as well! It worked and sales have been great this week because Lori is being kind to herself by taking care of her needs…and she is being kind to her team and her clients! I am proud of you, Lori!
Sometimes people don’t even know when they are not getting what they want. Or, they may know they are not happy but don’t know what will make them happy! That’s why Martin identified over 100 very clear coaching and perception tools to use to assist people to get in touch with and own their desires.
Everyone wants something, or has an appetite for something. For example, if you are an athlete, you want to win. If you are a business person, you want to move people because that equates to moving money. If you are a performer, you want people to laugh and enjoy you. These are basic human desires we all have…and we all need to pursue in order to be happy.
When more people connect with their innate desire and then act on it in some way, the more people there are who are striving toward happiness. If you want to see more kindness in the world, help more people get in touch with their desire…and then act on it!
If you are not getting what you want, YOU might be having a tantrum right now! If you are on a team or part of a family, then you are hurting those around you by not taking care of your need.
Is that nice? Maybe, but it’s not kind. The kindest thing YOU can do, is go for your happiness!! Your life and livelihood depend on it.